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So, it's Valentine's Day. It's odd, you know... When I'm single on Valentine's, I tend to be bitter and resentful and call it the Hallmark Holiday. When I'm with someone, I'm totally apathetic towards it. :P It's just odd that people celebrate an originally Catholic holiday (the only saint's day that really gets noted anymore) about marriage by buying expensive presents and doing nice things for people. Oh well. My mom sent me a giant stuffed pink heart in the mail. Sweet, but I threw up a little in my mouth.

My Valentine's started off with me calling the boy. To gloat. Because last night, he said it wasn't going to snow, that the weather reports were lying, and that he would call me in the morning to gloat about the lack of snow. And then it snowed a bunch. So I called him to gloat. :P We're such romantics.

Last night, we talked for about two and a half hours. And sure, part of it was pointless chatter - but we talked for a good part of it. About things that actually matter. He told me all about the two serious relationships he'd had and what went wrong and how he'd changed from that. And it was surprising, because he didn't just badmouth the girls and make himself look like the innocent victim. He actually told me what he had done wrong, too. It was just such an honest conversation. And then he asked me to tell him about myself, about exes and things, and I realized I didn't really have any super important life-changing boyfriends. I realized the thing that's had the most impact on how I am in relationships is the situation with my parents. And I explained everything to him. I told him things I had only ever told my therapist. He asked, and I just started talking. At first, I did my best to sound all together and whatnot, but he asked and answered and actually cared about what I was saying, and I ended up just opening up to him. Right now, I'm kind of worried in a way. I mean, okay, opening up is a good thing. But I guess it just leaves me in a really vulnerable position right now. He seemed to care and not think I was absolutely insane, but I'm not inside his head. I can't tell what he really thinks about all this. And I am damaged goods, in a way. I've had a big part of my life fucked with, and I have trust issues, and he knows this. And I think that's what's surfacing now. I mean, I opened up and was honest with him completely, and now I'm worried about whether or not I should have. Because I don't have that absolute trust in him yet. That takes time. I trust him as a friend, but I don't know if I am ready to trust someone completely. And opening up like that left me really vulnerable. And who knows? He may decide that my issues aren't worth it.

So I thought this was going to be sappy and gross, and it has kind of turned into me worrying about his thoughts on what I told him. I guess I just need to remember that he did ask. And he did want to talk about it. And it's not like anyone by this age hasn't had someone hurt them pretty badly. For me, it just so happened that the person who hurt me the most so far in my life was also the person who was never supposed to hurt me ever. And so yeah, it kind of messed me up. Maybe I shouldn't have opened up so much, but he asked, and it would have needed to be brought up eventually. And now, some of my more neurotic tendencies can be explained. Good thing. I just hope I'm not misplacing my trust. I just hope I didn't make a mistake in this.

I finished the coursepack readings for religions last night. I still need to read in the textbook. And I need to work on my poli sci essay. Once I get the outline done, though, it shouldn't take me too long. Two hours, probably, once the outline is finished. We'll see how it goes.

Date: 2007-02-14 09:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crynus.livejournal.com
two things:
1) everyone is damaged goods. everyone. i am a firm believer in the idea that everyone has some trauma, or is fucked up in some way, no matter how perfect or pleasant a life they have led. we are all of us ruined, in some way.

2) misplacing trust is a part of life. being open about shit isn't a miscalculation on your part, assuming it couldn't ruin your life if it comes out. if you trust this boy, it is likely a good thing that you are telling him things, especially fairly early on. every secret festers. this is why unfailing honesty is usually a good call.

cheer up, emo kid.


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